Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah............thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: Can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P " to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Tech support: Tech Support, how may I help you?
Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
Tech support: What sort of trouble?
Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Tech support: Went away?
Customer: They disappeared.
Tech support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Customer: Nothing.
Tech support: Nothing?
Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Tech support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Customer: How do I tell?
Tech support: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Customer: What's a sea-prompt?
Tech support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
Customer: There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Tech support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Customer: What's a monitor?
Tech support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Customer: I don't know.
Tech support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Customer: Yes, I think so.
Tech support: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Customer: Yes, it is.
Tech support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Customer: No.
Tech support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Customer: Okay, here it is.
Tech support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Customer: I can't reach.
Tech support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
Customer: No.
Tech support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle; it's because it's dark.
Tech support: Dark?
Customer: Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Tech support: Well, turn on the office light then.
Customer: I can't.
Tech support: No? Why not?
Customer: Because there's a power outage.
Tech support: A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Tech support: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Customer: Really? Is it that bad?
Tech support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tech support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.